Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. You dont have to love Justin Bieber and Broadway to just ask the kid why she loves it so much. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. I simply didnt get it.) Ostensibly through her mother. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. Addie Pray Settlers of Catan! lets_be_honest LW, you and your husband are a team. Guy asked me out and now makes me feel bad for saying no. I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. Think "he's a big boy" "He's a grown man. In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. And not just to me and your husband. Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. Exposure to anything is great for children. Its rude to disparage someones interests, roll your eyes at them when they talk about them, tell them to stop talking about it because youre annoyed. I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. lets_be_honest I must just not be seeing things clearly. Id love to hang out with her. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. I was afraid the BS stood for something else. I mean you describe your partner (who sounds amazing BTW) as cultivating her interests and introducing her to things which doesnt sound like what this dad is doing. Will he ever change? Well-said, courtney. I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. Amazing job today! I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. Trust that Mark would have PLENTY to say if someone wrote in replacing Buffy with sports. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. Go to a murder mystery night and talk about Sherlock. I think what Wendy is missing in her response is dealing with the fathers attitude towards his daughters interests. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. My parents didnt take me to the local library because they hated driving, but they would drag my sister and I on hours-long drives on some Sundays, with stops in the woods to walk around for no apparent reason. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. doesnt mean that the Dad is 100% correct in ramming his opinions down his daughters throat. I cant concentrate, I get bored, shit distracts me, I have to deal with the kids/dogs/etc and then people bitch Im not there to play, then I play badly as Im not paying attention.. so I try to get out of it then get all snitty reactions since Im not joining in having fun. I also really enjoyed Measure of Man which was the episode where Datas humanity is put on trial. Would have I rather been at the mall or curled up on the couch with a good book? Im peace-ing out. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for three. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. So, yes, encourage your daughter to take an interest what your husband likes. Ha! Shes all the better for it. is that daughter has been driving with her dad for . Apparently I am super wrong about This Old House my college friends would just give me a blank stare if I brought it up. So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. My fave was Joey for the record. She has to do something she doesnt like from time to time. Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? They have to come at this from a position of mutual respect. Such is not the case if youre on the end of a crazy-making partner. I really think there might be a way for dad and daughter to meet in the middle here. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! Especially a board game like Cranium where everyone can shine in what theyre good at, and it can be good to pair up with someone youre different from. I dont know if its The Best thing, but its very important and Im glad for all the things he exposed me to. . For example, younger children may not be able to express themselves as well and may need help doing so. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. I forgive you!. oh, wait - his father wanted nothing to do with him for years. So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. By keeping a few key things in mind, you can make headway in even the toughest situations. How frustrating for your husband that you have turned your daughter into a clone of all the things about you that are probably annoying to him Things he has quietly tolerated for years But now are somehow totally taking OVER your lives. All other things aside, Im actually a fan of those assignments. I guess I dont know exactly how he does it, but in our house we have things like that but with politics/government because I believe it is truly important to understand our government, how it works, how it doesnt work, and how our beliefs affect our views. Older and (hopefully) wiser Youre mad at your dad, not at me! And some of that happens by making fun of your child. Then Id tell you to keep pushing for her to spend time with you. But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) I had the same experience at college! And I really do think he has been 100%, maybe even 110% put on the back burner. Or even more fun than you would. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). Ask the GP: Could taking statins affect your dreams? I love it. I honestly think both parents are at fault. The conflict between your husband and daughter is bound to happen. But you do so at your husbands expense, your daughters expense, and possibly the expense of your marriage. One activity we all enjoyed!!!! You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . Wed do something hed want to do (touring a waste water treatment plant seriously), and then wed do something I wanted to do a couple weeks later (he took me to see Rent when I was 13!). Saying later that night will you ask the spagetti head to pass the salt IS making fun of their child and it is healthy. Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it. It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. More of a this is silly than yall are stupid eye roll. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. lets_be_honest How the States Got Their Shapes for one. My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. If the issue is raised during a child custody . I dont see the comparison between telling a small child about healthy eating habits and forcing them to eat veggies and this situation. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. We were so thrilled. Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal. Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. How to Convince a Senior to Stop Driving. YES! Most of which are tucked away out of sight. My dad would also try to do things we liked. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. Same with the radio in the car I like country or musicals, he cant stand it, theres no way Id put that on. July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. When you did actually accurately zero in once in a while, you may have thrived enough on the intermittent reinforcement to hang in for subsequent disappointing rounds. This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. Hes putting her down. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! Help her get excited about the real science and history behind the fiction she enjoys. I feel like Im in a relationship with two people, one who really loves me and his evil twin who emerges without warning or reason.. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. Please dont suggest counseling communication is not an issue, as we have talked about these problems over and over. But as a kid/teen, I wanted him to play. When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. Anytime someone starts a comment with an um, I dont bother reading it because its bound to be condescending. Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? Thanks temp! July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. 2 weeks later his wife tried killing him, leaving him in the hospital for 3 months. Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). Me and my husband have a 4 year old daughter together. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. He came home four hours later. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. Shes driving me crazy and I dont know how long I can take it.. July 2, 2013, 11:36 am, I have 2 boys and after a few years of action figure battles, Iron Man and Dr. Doom started going to the mall. Dream! Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. She may not be interested in that stuff NOW, but it can sure come in handy later. YUCK. Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. I really dont think this situation falls entirely on the husband. The way he is reminds me of my dad who, when I was growing up, if I was doing something HE didnt see the value in like I was watching the wrong shows on TV (GARBAGE, hed call it), for example would force me to turn it off. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. As a counterpoint, I loved all the things my dad liked and he tried to do things I liked. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. Older and (hopefully) wiser If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. One centering dynamic is to be each other's 'coaches,' and to offer each other feedback and support in managing the kid with the behavior problem." Dealing with your distress, your kid's distress,. July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. Anything! He(now) jokes that he and my mom missed out on the music of the 80s (and therefore dont know any of it) because they were listening to the wheels on the bus on repeat for the entire decade. That being said, its important to have fun hobbies, and I agree with their is a balance. Your daughter may feel like you deserve to be happy and, as a result, may want you to leave your husband if hes not making you happy. I know I did. Yikes, I shouldve known better than to comment on a cult show Sorry! I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. lbh based on the LWs description do you really think this is the same as your experience? I just dont get it. Last weekend she wanted to spend time just the two of us so I found a great B-and-B and set up a romantic weekend. 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. One teenager in the house is bad enough But TWO must be exhausting. My brother did not. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. You dont have to worship the same pop culture icons to have solid relationships. You dont always get to do the things you want and sometimes have to compromise. But even then I would tell you to be a little more hipper and current than Buffy . But if youre saying that getting the daughter into these things was some deliberate, malicious move on the part of the mother, I doubt that. Its full of teen girls going crazy for Star Trek. To this day we have a great relationship, and now Im able to make the same efforts for him. Hes so dreamy, if not annoyingly alpha-male-y. And whenever I caught a fish, my dad was the one to do all the gross work to deal with it. When I was a kid, my mom was always kind of a dick about going to see my dads family, so it was usually just him and me. . He is an adult and should act like one- his daughter will model her behavior off of his and what she is learning now is why bother respecting those with different interests. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. I would truly hope that he doesnt realize how personal his criticisms are to a 12-year-old girl (because, if he kept doing it, then he would absolutely be the bully), and that he actually cares about having a relationship with his daughter more than molding her into his ideal child. . I am, but I mostly just read others, so Im boring. , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. But hes so cute when hes excited about something. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. He is into science so a consultation with a trained professional may be exactly what he needs. Our differences are what make people interesting. However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this.